A lot of my friends say that I am mean, rude, and disrespectful. I don’t care. They can say whatever they want because I feel better about myself when I am like this. I find myself powerful, unpredictable, and full of confidence in such ways. I agree to them that I am not a genuine person. But honestly, I am not trying to be one. I might as well stay as a bully because I love the power of controlling things and people. It makes me alive. Or so I thought.
I Don’t Want To Feel Weak
I am a bully because I do not want people to know I am weak. I do not like the feeling when someone is hurting me because I know that my inner self will not be able to handle it. I want to stay as a bully because I can hide my weakness. I can make people believe that I am capable of everything when, in fact, I am afraid of lots of things. I am a bully because I cannot accept the fact that I have more imperfections rather than desirable qualities. I am an individual who wants to gain validation in whatever circumstances. “Every once in a while, in a particularly vulnerable person, the despair or rage or both erupt into violence, either against the self or against the whole school, and only then does school bullying become an issue to the larger community,” Peter Gray, Ph.D. wrote.
I Am Lonely
I am a bully because I cannot find happiness on things around me. People question my existence and judge me for being me. It makes me lonely because society wants me to become one of them. I bully people because I want them to notice me, regardless if it appears negatively. I want to feel that I am not alone, that is why I make sure that when I bully someone, that person never forgets about me. I tend to like bullying others because it makes me feel that people who can recognize my existence surrounds me. I am a bully because I believe that I am better off with this attitude. “Our emotional lives are a bit like wells. In order to invite more positive feelings into them, we have to get rid of the negative ones,” Marilyn Price-Mitchell, Ph.D. says.
I Got Bullied
“To say that we are inclined to act on a particular feeling is not to suggest that doing so is always advantageous or appropriate. Or, to put the matter differently, we have evolved feelings that are useful to us in most circumstances; but not all,” says Fredric Neuman, M.D.
I am a bully because I experienced getting bullied by others too. I am all alone, and no one dares to save me from the miserable and unfortunate circumstances that I was having. I realized that when I become one of these bullies, I can guarantee another life for me. I can become powerful so that no one can harm me anymore. I am a bully because I do not want to get bullied again. So instead of me trying to fight these people, I choose to become one of them. I came up to the realization that instead of getting hurt, I might as well sacrifice others’ emotional and mental state so that I can save myself.
I am a bully because of my choice and that is the answer I need to get rid of the thoughts of confusion as I put it to question: “is bullying a mental disorder“? I know people will never like me, and they will never accept my reasons for becoming like this. I am not going to push myself towards their approval, either. But honestly, if I were given a chance to change things, I would. I am too tired of acting tough because deep inside, this bully is dying.